Acuff: Six Christmas Wishes I Probably Shouldn’t Have
For the last five years, I’ve written a blog called “Stuff Christians Like.” It’s a site dedicated to looking at the funny side of faith. I write about the hard issues, like wishing you had a shirt that said, “I direct deposit my tithe,” that you could wear to church on Sunday morning. Every time I hot potato that offering basket because I give online, I know my row neighbors are judging me.
During Christmas, I often find myself writing about the joys of the season. The birth of our Savior, celebrating the gift of the Emanuel, spending time with loved ones and other topics you might find on a Christian greeting card. But if, I’m honest, even in the midst of this serious season, I have the urge to write about the funny side of Christmas. The wishes that perhaps we shouldn’t admit we have. The silly things we think about but never talk about.
Today, I decided to be honest, to put down the tinsel for a second and tell you…
Six Christmas Wishes I Probably Shouldn’t Have
1. I wish for once my wife would give me a Lexus for Christmas.
Right now, I am 0-for-13 when it comes to getting a brand new Lexus for Christmas. My wife, who I thought loved me, has yet to put an obnoxious, red bow on top of a luxury car and surprise me. I know, can you believe it? Just when you think you know someone.
2. That Mary would let us know that she did in fact know.
Do you know what the song Mary Did You Know? fills me with? Rage. I know it’s a nice song. I’m sure the guy who wrote it is awesome and Christmasy and loves sweet baby Jesus. But whenever that song comes on, I actually lose my Christmas spirit a little. I consider, briefly, celebrating Winter Solstice instead. (Right now you are shaking your head in shame but you know deep down there’s a Christmas song you can’t stand.)
3. That my kids would not see TV commercials about kids getting a trip to Disney for Christmas.
They don’t say anything to me, but every time an ad comes on when the parents give their kids a Disney trip for Christmas, my kids look back at me. They give me this, “Maybe this will be the year dad?” kind of look. What happened to the good ole days when you could give kids a stick and a hoop they rolled down the street?
4. That Tennessee would get more than .5 inches of snow this winter.
I grew up in Boston. If the snow wasn’t up to your neck, you were going to school that day. Recently, my kids had a snow day from school because there were 37 individual snowflakes spotted over middle Tennessee. I want a real winter.
5. That my friends would stop over achieving with their Elf on the Shelf.
Everyone we know is spending hours on amazing Elf on the Shelf photos.
A few nights ago my wife and I hid our elf in the freezer. Why? Because we’re exhausted. Arranging these perfectly creative scenes each night 24 days in a row is killing us. We’re already phoning it in. Don’t believe me? Here’s the picture of the elf on top of some frozen ham.
6. That no one would ruin brownies with nuts.
Putting nuts on brownies is like adding gravel to your dessert. Why ruin something amazing by dropping a handful of bitter, jagged nuts to the top of it? While we’re on the subject, people who willingly choose chunky peanut butter are crazy too. Just add some bark mulch to your sandwich while you’re at it.
Is this list a little petty?
No, it’s a lot petty, but even Jesus didn’t like nuts on brownies. Pretty sure that’s in the Bible somewhere. I’d look it up but I’ve got to go check my driveway for a Lexus. This could be the year!
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